Humour - In English

Un prof d'anglais écrivait au tableau cette phrase :
"woman without her man is nothing"
et demanda à ses élèves d'y inscrire la ponctuation.
Les garçons écrivirent : "woman, without her man, is nothing"
Les filles écrivirent : "woman ! without her, man is nothing !"

Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words : green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first :
- I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day.
The Spanish was next :
- I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV.
Last was the French :
- I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "", I pink up the phone and I say "Yellow" ?

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says :
- Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.
A friend says :
- OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?
The blonde replies :
- Oh, that's easy : W.

What's the difference between an american coffee and a man and a woman lying in a canœ ?
- They are both fucking close to water.

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my God!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The old man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

A couple pulls up to the Mickey D's drive up and orders a chocalate shake.
The attendant responds and tells them they are out of chocalate, only vanilla and strawberry are left.
So the couple thinks about it, and then responds by ordering fries and 2 chocalate shakes.
Again, the attendant tells them the chocalate shakes are sold out.
The couple waits another minute and then orders just 2 chocalate shakes.
The attendant responds, "Lady, can you spell the v-a-n in vanilla?"
"v-a-n" responds the woman
"Now spell the s-t-r-a-w in strawberry"
"Now spell the f-u-c-k in chocalate"
"But there is no fuck in chocalate"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you stupid !"

A little girl and her mother were out and about.
The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up".
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question,
"Mommy? Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
The Mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded,
"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play.
She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license.
It's just like a report card. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.
The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The Mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know.
And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money.
After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.
Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea."
After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back.
As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.
Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding.
Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." George W. Bush
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." George W. Bush
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." Governor George W. Bush
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." Governor George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow." Governor George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." Governor George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." Governor George W. Bush
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." Governor George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy." Governor George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." Governor George W. Bush
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." Governor George W. Bush
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." Governor George W. Bush
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." Governor George W. Bush
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." Governor George W. Bush

Deux Anglais en Juillet dans le métro à Paris. Heure de pointe. L'anglaise transpire à grosses gouttes.
Elle se plaint à voix haute :
- Pffff ... Je suis chaude !
Les hommes autour la regarde avec un sourire étonné et le mari comprend la bourde.
Il se sent obligé de corriger :
- Veuillez excuser mon femme, elle ne parle pas très bien la français, elle voulait juste dire : "je suis en chaleur" !

Un Anglais joue au golf, accompagné de sa femme.
Il ajuste son swing, déclenche le mouvement, rate son coup et envoie la balle dans le seul œil valide de son épouse.
- Sorry darling, dit l'homme, and Good Night !

Un Québécois apprend l'anglais depuis quelques semaines. Un bon jour il se rend à un spectacle d'après-midi au Centre Molson. Histoire de pratiquer son anglais, il demande à son voisin de droite :
- What time is it ?
Le voisin de répondre :
- It's two to two.
Le gars n'a rien compris. Il décide donc de demander la même chose à son voisin de gauche.
- What time is it ?
Et ce dernier de lui répondre :
- It's two to two too !

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jacques and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jacques privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for France, I was just too embarrassed to say so."

There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade in an American school.
The teacher said:
- "Let s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki,
- "Patrick Henry, 1775", he said.
- "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except from Suzuki:
- "Abraham Lincoln, 1863", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class:
- "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper:
- "Screw the Japs."
- "Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up:
- "Lee Iacocca, 1982".
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh, yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
- "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997".
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said:
- "Oh, shit, we're in BIG trouble!"
And Suzuki said,
- "Arthur Andersen, 2002".

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Eat what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

A woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her losest friend that she has no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

The congregation honors the rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful, nude girl lying on the bed.
She says, "Hi, Rabbi... I'm a little something extra that the president of the board paid for."
The rabbi is incensed! He picks up the phone, calls the board president and says, "Greenberg, where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

December 1st
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.
There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 2nd
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas Carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 3rd
Regarding the anonymous note I received from members of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous any more.
In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

December 7th
I've arranged for members of OverEaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

December 10th
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.
But, you know, tomatoes have feelings too! They scream when you slice them! I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell

December 14th
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Sanatorium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of December 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

Yaser Arafat calls up George W. Bush on September 11:
Arafat: "oh President Bush, I send my condolences. The whole Palestinian people share your pain... this is a terrible terrible tragedy that happened and we sympathize with your grief... words cannot begin to describe the horror of this act..."
Bush: "excuse me but, what are you talking about???"
Arafat: "oh shit, I forgot about the 7 hour time zone difference..."

"The computer industry is a race between the engineers, who attempt to create idiot-proof products, and the Creator, who attempts to create better idiots.
Right now the Creator is winning."

The Japanese government have sent 500 tons of Viagra to the USA after hearing that they were having trouble with their elections.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

This virus works on an honour system.
So please would you firstly E-mail this on to everyone in your mailing list, then randomly delete a few of your own more important computer files.
Thank you for your co-operation.

There are beautiful deserted islands, in the middle of nowhere, where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to formerly introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.
While I was in his office yesterday I asked him, "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"
He said, "Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word." He responded.
"And, sir, What is that?"
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions."

Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears.
The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"I'd like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"Then how come you look so glum?"
"This week - nothing!"

Two dogs and a cat tried to get into the local opera house.
"I'm sorry," said the doorman, "animals aren't allowed in."
"But we're very musical animals," said one of the dogs.
"I Bach, he Offenbach, and she is Debussy."

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